How to Shift from Victim to Owner Mentality
Change the Questions you are Asking
Do you constantly feel like you have no control over your life? Do you find yourself blaming others for events that happen or how things unfold? Do you feel like bad things happen to you no matter what? If any of these statements ring true to you, you may be stuck in a victim mentality.
People with a victim mentality feel as though bad things keep happening to them and the world is against them. You may feel as though everyone else is against you - your spouse, your coworkers, or even your family or friends. Even though there might be things that you can do to help fix the situation, you don’t actually take responsibility for anything and feel as though everything is out of your control.
In addition, you might take things personally even when they are not directed at you. You might think thoughts like, “What did I do to deserve this?” Then resentment is something you feel often in your life. If you have felt this way, you may have taken on a victim mentality.
3 Core Beliefs
The 3 core beliefs of someone who is in this victim mentality are:
- 1-Bad things have happened in the past and will continue to happen to me.
- 2-Others are to blame for my misfortune.
- 3-There is no point in trying to change because it will not work.
When you embrace these 3 core beliefs, it leads you to feel vulnerable and afraid, and in turn, you choose not to take responsibility or place blame on other people and make excuses even when there are actions that you could take.
Why would we stay stuck?
When Victim mentality is such a disempowering way of thinking and acting, why would you consider staying in victim mode?
It may have become a habit or you have become addicted to drama in your life. It may also allow you not to take personal responsibility and ownership for your life - it is simply easier to blame others. Victim mode may make you feel like you have an influence on other people and forces others to take care of you. It can also be a way to seek others' approval and feel like they value you.
Change the Questions you are Asking!
So how can you break free from the Victim Mentality?
Change the Question!
Becoming an owner and creator of your life starts with changing the questions you are asking yourself! When you are stuck in a victim mentality, you are asking the wrong questions! With a simple shift in the questions you are asking yourself, you can shift from Victim Mentality to Owner Mentality. You can shift from disempowered to empowered! Let’s take a look at questions you ask yourself when you are in Victim Mode, you ask yourself things like:
Why me?
Why is this happening?
Why does nobody care about me?
What’s wrong with this situation?
What’s wrong with me?
If you are ready to shift from victim mentality to owner mentality, you need to change the questions you are asking yourself! Here is the single most powerful question to ask yourself:
What do I want?
Owners Create the Life They Want
Owners create what they want in their life - and in order to do that, you have to know what you want! So what do you want? Asking this one powerful question leads you to other powerful questions and sets you on a path to own and create your life and relationships rather than falling victim to your circumstances. It provokes follow up questions like:
How can I create more connection in my marriage relationship?
What can I do to foster mutual understanding in this situation at work?
What am I able to do in order to get my needs met?
How can I make that happen?
What is one small step toward my goal?
When you gain clarity on what you actually want in your life, these powerful questions will lead you to solutions and foster empowerment! This simple shift in the questions you ask yourself transforms you from a victim that falls prey to your life to an owner who creates the life you want. That’s Powerful!
Shift your Focus
This is how Steve Chandler distinguishes Victim’s and Owners in his book “Reinventing Yourself”
“Owners use the words ‘I can’ a lot, while victims favored ‘I can’t.’ Owners had goals, projects, and challenges, whereas victims had problems, hassles, and nightmares. Owners said they were busy, and victims said they were swamped. Owners were ‘designing a life,’ while victims were ‘trying to make a living.’ Owners were psyched and excited about changes in the workplace, while victims were worried and ticked off. Owners looked to see what they could get from an experience, while victims tried to get through it. Owners would plan things and victims would wish things.”
That is brilliant!
One of the biggest differences between victim mentality and owner mentality is where you put your focus! Victim’s tend to focus on what they don’t want: the problems that seem to pile up and overtake their lives. Where owner’s place their focus on what they do want. They still face problems, but they realize that they can create the outcomes they want and their focus remains fixed on their ultimate vision.
Changing the questions you ask yourself will change your focus from what you don’t want to what your envision your outcome to be. Shifting you from victim to owner - then you can shift your thoughts and actions toward creating what you most deeply want to see or experience in your life!
Powerful Influence on your life Direction
David Emerald sums this up beautifully when he says:
“The way you talk about yourself and your life - your story - has a great deal to do with what shows up in your day-to-today experience. Your thoughts create filters through which you view your life. If you think of yourself as the victim, you filter all that happens to you through that lens… and you find plenty of evidence to support that viewpoint. That is why the orientation you adopt (either victim or owner) is so important: it exerts a powerful influence on your life direction.”
He sums that up powerfully!
So I ask you today: How can you shift from victim to owner mentality today?
It is as simple as changing the questions you are asking yourself:
What do you really want?
Then follow up with questions that lead to solutions. By doing this, you can shift your focus from what you don’t want to what you really desire and can create in your own life!
Ember Pilati is a Life & Relationship Coach, Podcaster and Motivational Speaker. You can find her at:
Instagram: @emerge_empowered
Website: www.emergeempowered.org
Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/emerge-empowered-with-ember-pilati/id1543504663
